Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I ate a lot

Happy Holidays! When was the last time I posted? It has been a while. Well, to be quite honest I tend to sit down with the best of intentions but you know what they say about good intentions and all.

I spent Christmas with my bud Carrey and her family in Spring, TX. I came out of that about 10 pounds heavier, I'm sure. There was a lot to eat and I ate a lot. So, time to get back on the wagon. I once stated that if my approach didn't work then I'd try something else. Ok, well I'm trying something else. Paleo-schmaleo is what I'll be doing. I should probably not add the "schmaleo" for sincerity's sake. But I'm giving it a try. And without the "bitterness in my heart" that I claimed to have a few weeks back. I'm going to give it an honest try.

Maybe I should get some pizza while it's still allowed...

I Am Crossfit challenge starts Jan 7th and I'm all signed up. Time for the extra padding to G-O!

Monday, November 22, 2010

My Biggest Loser Moment

Time to blow the dust off my blog. It sure has been a while. Some happenings? I recently watched 2 friends commit to each other for the rest of their lives. Wow. And I mean that in a "Oh Sweet Baby Jesus I feel the noose tightening around my neck someone open a window it's HOT in here!!!" sort of way. Not that I have commitment issues or anything. But the idea just seems so....permanent. Which I suppose is the point. But, they were both beautiful, the wedding was beautiful, and I had a great time.

Move on to the next weekend. Lean Turkey Challenge! And the winners was... (drum roll please)... mine! Great job Wild Turkeys. It was a lot of fun. Now, I'm a competitive person but I'm also a high stress person so I have to now look back on myself and laugh. I stayed in Friday night to get my rest. Um, why were my teammates posting on Facebook that they were out downtown? Get to bed!!! I had my stuff laid out to wear, bag packed, and alarm set for early am. Early am as way earlier than necessary. I was in bed by around 9pm with visions of double unders dancing in my head.

The next morning I had my breakfast, water, and coffee and proceeded to make several bathroom runs to coax every ounce of liquid back out of my body. Honestly, you'd have thought I was preparing for the games by how anxious I was. Fast forward to getting to the gym and learning that one of my teammates was filling in for another team low in numbers. Last minute game change??? Argh!!!

And then it was ok. This was the best way I could've spent my Saturday morning. Definately going to do it again last year. My final body comp was interesting though. It was a Biggest Loser moment. Imagine the contestant getting on the scale to discover that they've gained weight. Shocker!! Well, I gained 3 pounds. But here's the kicker. I lost bodyfat. What does that mean? I gained muscle. My clothes are not any looser BUT I have been feeling a little stronger. So, there ya go. That, in itself, is an accomplishment.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Just a burp

Fall is here! And it's beautiful!!!

I just wrapped up a very long and hard weekend working at the ACL Music Festival. This was my 6th year working the festival. I had a moment on Sunday while taking a break when I realized that it was all absolutely perfect. It was one of those moments (few as they are) where I was very aware of the moment. The sky was beautiful with very few clouds. The air was pleasant. Not too warm, not too cold. There was music in the air. And for the most part, people were very happy. How nice.

Monday after the festival I was dead tired. Which was unfortunate because I had crossfit at 4pm. I woke up that morning, got up, and then got back into bed with the intentions of calling in. I then thought about how little vacation time I had and how I needed it all for my road trip with Cora next year. Sigh....I then got back out of bed and managed to make it to work.

I had a body comp at 3:45 before class which, after my weekend of standing all day long, I was not really looking forward to. I will insert here that having to pull my own drinks let me move around a bit more so I didn't have the edema issues that I normally have after ACL. Anyways, the body comp didn't happen. That is a frustrating story better suited for another time. I will insert (again) say that Team Clusterfuck seems to be appropriate for our team name....but whatever.

Ok, let's get to the fun part: The Workout.

5 rounds of:
1. 400m run
2. Hang power cleans
3. Ring dips

16 minute time limit

All I can say about that is...I'm glad it was just a burp and not vomit. Cause I surely thought that I would. Vomit that is.

Monday, September 20, 2010

plantation workouts

Happy Monday all! I kick-started my week with a run this morning. 4:20am the alarm went off and I managed to drag my tired self out of bed. Got dressed and hit the road. It was slow going but my body finally managed to wake up. And then I had an absolutely fabulous run. I went exploring in my neighborhood and greatly enjoyed myself. And it was cool! And by that I mean the temperature wasn't already hot and muggy. Good-bye summer and helloooo fall!

50 minutes later and I finished my run. Great thing is I felt so good I could've kept going. Had I not had to work today I would have. But I was really satisfied with myself. I only ran twice last week and only made it to the gym to lift once, and that was yesterday for legs. But I have crossfit 3 times a week and I think that's why I'm able to get away with less daily running. Fabulous! Yet another benefit to crossfit.

I am feeling slightly guilty for not making more of my routine gym workouts. I walked in yesterday and it seemed like ages since I'd been there last. It had been a week and that's forever in my book. I'm still trying to shift my thinking from figure competing to crossfit, with a half marathon thrown in for good measure. And I'm such a creature of habit that it's taking some time. But, I'm really loving life now. I look forward to my workouts. And even when the wod's irritate the crap out of me (or beat the crap out of me in the case of double unders, or plantation workout as I like to call it) I still love it. Just think, tomorrow I get another year older and I'm getting better with age. Kinda like a fine wine, but without the hangover.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Winning isn't normal

I recently came across the following excerpt while reading the latest copy of Austin Fit Magazine. My training goals are shifting and I'm trying to truly push my body to the next level. Today was my very first official crossfit class and boy was I pushed. Even though it's all still new to me and I felt very akward doing some of the movements, even though I ran out of time and didn't finish the workout, and even though I nearly knocked myself on the head with a kettlebell, I loved it. None of any of that mattered as long as I kept pushing. This is my new mountain to climb, remember? And I'm absolutely determined to not only get better, but to be great. And that means I have to learn, practice, and work hard. Because in the end, I want to win.
Winning Isn’t Normal
by Dr. Keith Bell

"Winning isn’t normal. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with winning. It just isn’t the norm. It’s highly unusual."

"Every race only has one winner. No matter how many people are entered, only one person, or one team, wins."

"Winning is unusual. As such, it requires unusual action."

"In order to win, you must do extraordinary things. You can’t just be one of the crowd. The crowd doesn’t win. You have to be willing to stand out and act differently."

"Your actions need to reflect unusual values and priorities. You have to value success more than others do. You have to want it more. (Now take note! Wanting it more is a decision you make and act upon – not some inherent quality or burning inner drive or inspiration!) And you have to make that value a priority."

"You can’t train like everyone else. You have to train more and train better."

"You can’t talk like everyone else. You can’t think like everyone else. You can’t be too willing to join the crowd, to do what is expected, to act in a socially accepted manner, to do what’s in. You need to be willing to stand out in the crowd and consistently take exceptional action. If you want to win, you need to accept the risks and perhaps the loneliness…because winning isn’t normal!"

©copyright Dr. Keith Bell

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My mountain

Yesterday I officially signed up for my crossfit classes for the month of September at Crossfit Central. I don't think the guy at the front desk was quite ready for someone like me. He certainly had his work cut out for him as I asked him question after question. I wanted to make sure I knew all my options, and took advantage of everything that I could. These classes aren't cheap and I want to get as much as I can out of this experience.

I asked about a package called Crossfit Platinum. That would allow me to take classes 5xweek. In a nutshell he thought it would be too much for me. He then went on to tell me how important rest and nutrition was and how I should just be completely spent from crossfit. I had to tell him that it wasn't my first rodeo. I'm an athlete, plain and simple. I'm constantly looking for competition in the most mundane of matters. I need to be pushed as hard as I can. I want to be pushed as hard as I can be. And then, push me a little bit more. I kinda like the idea of staring up at a mountain that seems cruel and treacherous and then climbing it.

Crossfit is my next mountain.

So with that I'm reminded of a quote that I came across earlier this year. I think we all could benefit from it so here it is:

"No one puts limits on what I can do. Not even me."

Let's climb.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Where exactly is "out there?"

I had this desire earlier to get all dressed up and eat a fancy, sit-down meal. And then I realized that I wanted to go on a date. And then the thought of dating made my chest hurt and I felt a smidge (if not more) of anxiety. And so...I'm not ready to date. Which is fine since my options these days are extremely limited. One does have to put him or herself out there to date right? Yeah, that would probably have to be step 1. Actually, make that step 2 as step 1 should really be to not be seized with panic at the thought of dating.

Step 1. Be ready to date.
Step 2. Put yourself out there.
Step 3. Figure out where "out there" is.

Got it. ( I swear I've done this before...it's just been a while)

Today is my first day of Crossfit Elements at Crossfit Central. (Can I get a fist pump?) I'm really excited. I spent the mont of August doing a crossfit bootcamp and just loved it. I love the intensity that I can bring to the sport. And I'm such a competitive person that this is perfect for me. I'm really anxious to learn more about crossfit and start applying that to my training. And then??? Crossfit Games! (Again, feel free to fist pump.)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Unwilling vs unable

Today's my last day of Crossfit Bootcamp and I'm a little sad about that. It's been a ton of fun. So much fun that I decided to up the ante and join the crossfit community. My goal is to compete. When you're me, you have to find something to compete in. I joke that I would do crossword competitions but it's kinda true. I must find something to train for. Something that's harder than everyday activity. Something that most everday people would be unwilling to do.

Unwilling vs Unable

I'm astounded by how many people automatically say how they can't do something. Can't perform. Can't try. Just can't. And it's not that they can't. It's that they won't. Imagine the possibilities and just try. I remind myself occassionally that the only person that can hold me back is me. And then I tell myself that I shouldn't let anyone put limits on what I can do. Myself included.

I mention that because I've enjoyed a great many physical activities in my life. Cheerleading, dance, gymnastics, judo, running, rugby, figure, rock climbing, and crossfit. I meet a lot of people who ask how I do what I do, how I look like I do, and how they can better themselves. And then, I get their excuses. I can't do this, I can't do that. Whatever. Don't tell me what you can't do. Dont' whine and complain and then ask for advice to only set limits on yourself. It's silly and a waste of my time. And please, don't compare yourself to me or anyone else. We all started our fitness journeys at the beginning. For me, it was being able to run an entire 1/4 mile without stopping. Yup, me. The girl who's training for her 4th marathon couldn't run 1 measely quarter mile. But I kept at it and didn't give up. No excuses. Just persistance.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Happy Tuesday! Tonight is Crossfit bootcamp and I'm ready to sweat. I need to sweat. One of the things I love about the bootcamp is that I am pushed in ways that I haven't been pushed before. I'm pushed out of my comfort zone. I'm pushed to work harder. And the competitor in me pushes to beat everyone else. It's great. My goal is to come away feeling as if I won. Even though there's not really a race or competition or anything. I still want to feel as if I won. Yeah, I must compete.

After the movie I'm seeing Eat, Pray, Love. I was supposed to see it with friends but it appears that the original plan has fallen through. I bought my ticket and then the movie sold out before everyone else could buy theirs. So it looks as if I'm going alone. Which wouldn't bother me except it is a sold out movie so I'll be crammed in with couples and groups. Akward....

Monday, August 16, 2010


Back from the Europa! It was a really long weekend and I'm in need of another few days off just to recover. Unfortunately I do have to work so I'll just have to power through. I'm proud of myself for eating my meals while away. I've always said that there's no excuse to eat crap. It all comes down to a little planning and preparation. Ok, sometimes a lot of preparation. But it's worth it when there's food handy and it's time to eat. I loaded my big wheely cooler full of protein pancakes (meal 1); greek yogurt, apples, and nuts (meal 2); 4 oz chicken breast in individual baggies, oven roasted veggies, and quinoa (meal 3); cans of tuna and ezekial bread (meal 4); and extra "just in case" baggies of protein powder. That plus my 3 gallons of water went into my car for the trip. Meal 5 was a free dinner with my friends and was eaten out. I'll be honest and admit to eating chicken breast, sweet potato, and a salad on Thursday, Pizza topped with chicken and pesto on Friday, and Chicken Fajitas on Saturday. Oh, and regular pancakes Sunday morning for brunch. But yeah, those were all planned.

Today I lift and do cardio right after work and then get to go climb for rock climbing class. I'm looking forward to class. Looking forward to working my body after not having done any exercise for the last few days. I plan on an early morning cardio session tomorrow and then Crossfit Bootcamp tomorrow evening. And then I'm off to see Eat, Pray, Love at the movies! It's a full week for me but that's how I like it.

ps. I just discovered that I've been mis-weighing my yogurt. Wow, was I overeating! Doh!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard....

Wow! Long time, no write. I must apologize. It's been much too long. Not sure where I left off but it may have been my journey to Jr Nationals. Well, Chicago came and went and I was in the last callouts again. No bueno. You know, sometimes you stretch and bend every which way and it still doesn't seem like enough. That's kind of how I felt coming off that show. I was all prepared to go to another but I had a "Come to Jesus" chat with my then trainer. I won't go into all the details but it was decided that I would stop, get back to living, and more importantly get my life back on track.

So, fast forward to now. I'm not prepping for a show. I've been doing, well, other things. I've been doing things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I were prepping. Or, things that I wouldn't have done if I were prepping. Staying up much too late. Seeing musicals. Movies. Dinners with friends. The occasional glass of wine. Eating ice cream. Yup, getting back to living.

But I haven't completely nixed my workouts. I'm still at the gym and still doing cardio. Still weigh/measure food. Still trying to eat clean. Trying. Need to try harder. Scratch that. Just need to do it. Trying out Crossfit Bootcamp and rock climbing this month. I like them both. I climb Mon/Wed and have bootcamp Tue/Thur. I fit the gym in Mon/Wed/Sat/Sun. Yup, I'm busy as ever but loving it.

So, one thing that I knew I needed to work on post-competition was the repair of my ailing metabolism. I'm struggling with keeping my weight down, while also letting my body heal. I miss my tiny and tight old self. But I know I can't live at competition weight. Honestly, I don't want to be THAT tiny. But I honestly feel that 123 is a good liveable weight for me. I'm almost 10 lb over that and it is NOT acceptable. So I'm trying to lose, without really trying because I don't want to stress my body. It's been stressed enough.

Crossfit is really into the paleo diet. Hmmm. I tend to work well on a diet. But I've come to hate the term. "Die-t" is what it may as well be. Maybe. Right now I'm doing well keeping my alcohol to a minimum. Now to get my sweet tooth under control.

I've given myself a prize. At 123 I can finally order cable. If I can do it before my birthday (9-21) then I'll buy a laptop and add internet. That's the goal. I'm putting it out there. I was 132.5 last Friday and I'll weigh again this Friday. The number has slowly been creeping up and I must get a handle on it before it's too late and I'm back at a hefty 152. Oh hell no!

So I'm going to try it my way and if it doesn't work then maybe I'll try Paleo or the zone or some or "Die-t." It doesn't help that I just stated that I want a milkshake. Sigh.....

Friday, June 11, 2010

I can do this

1 more week to go! Dear, Sweet Baby Jesus I'm tired! I'm hungry. Cravings have kicked in. I have a pain in my ass cheek that won't go away. And I'm ready. Yup, I'm ready for the stage. Ready to get on it and bask in the spotlight, even if it's only for a few moments. When it's over I can sleep. After I eat. I'm trying not to think too much on the eating part but it's gonna be good.

As I sit here eating my cod and asparagus, the same lunch I've been eating since January, I'm truly thankful that I've made it this far. I'm thankful that I didn't give up like I sort of wanted to when life was beating me down. Feeling battered and bruised I wanted to throw in the towel and crawl into a nice bottle of vodka. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'd already lost so much and wasn't willing to lose this chance also. This opportunity to train and mold my body. To step onstage looking exactly the way I wanted to. The chance to go for pro.

And so I didn't give up. I dealt with the issues the best that I could. I had help from some fabulous people who I treasure dearly. I hung in there and put one foot in front of the other. I made it to this point, 1 week before my show, and for that I am grateful.

Today I have to finish my cardio and lift chest and shoulders. I have 2 cardio-only days this weekend. Next week is peak week and I'll do circuits and some more cardio. That's it. Thursday I get on the plan and will be in Chicago by 3pm. Show is Friday and Saturday. Saturday night I'll eat. Sunday I have a photoshoot and will then fly home. I can do this.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Eat, train, pose, sleep, and repeat

As of today I'm 4 weeks from my show. I have been dieting for 20 weeks so far. I'm freakin' tired. That aside, I'm really loving the changes that I've watched my body go through these last 20 weeks. It's awesome. Tweak here and there and I'm able to change how I look. By tweak I mean more cardio, changing the diet, more water, etc.

I'm making it a point to rest my body more and massage/stretch when I'm at home to help myself heal. I had pain shooting throughout my legs while standing at work yesterday. As of right now I have muscles twitching in my calves and my thighs are sore. I almost said quads, and then I thought hammies. Hell, my entire thigh hurts. I did do some massaging while in bed last night and it hurt like hell. But I think it really helped. I need to buy some more bioflexor and keep at it. I also need to use the foam roller that I have lying in the middle of the living room floor. It's not of much use just lying there.

So, my entry form/fee is completed and sent (check), flight reservation made (check), and hotel reservation made (check). All that's left to do is eat, train, pose, sleep, and repeat. AND pack. I already have my packing list made and now need to go through it to see what I have leftover from last year and what needs to be purchased. I've made my waxing appointment. Need to buy new hair and make a hair appointment. I think I may save the facial for between shows to rejuvinate my skin a bit. And maybe schedule a massage for between shows.

I'll be heading up to Plano next weekend to work on my posing with Jeff. Everything else is falling into place and I feel like that's the one area where I may get dinged while on stage. Can't let that happen. I've got to figure out a way to look a little more symetrical on stage. If I can do that, then I'll have presented the entire package just the way we imagined it. That is the goal.

Monday, May 3, 2010


6 weeks and 4 days to go until I step on stage for the first time this year. I'm excited, nervous, unsure, worried, stressed, etc. Last week I had an official anxiety attack and went full steam into stress mode. But hell, it was probably to be expected. I've been dieting since January and that in itself is stressful. I don't see how there are some people out there that jump from one diet to the next. It's hard living in a state where you can't do various things, have to do various things, want to do anything other than what you're supposed to be doing ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out. But, I choose to live this way because I choose to compete. I'm having to remind myself (and others) of that a lot. Hard work now will pay off later. Hopefully with a bright shiny trophy and a pro card but we'll see. When the going gets tough, I just have to get a little tougher. And tough I shall be.

My mom says she's coming to my show and that has me re-motivated to look my absolute best. Things may change with finances, which I totally understand. But for now, she's coming and I'm excited to have her there. She's never seen me compete and has only heard my hobby. I hope that this will help her to understand why I live the way I do while training and why I work so hard at it. A bonus will be if my dad can come to but again, that will be determined by finances.

I told Jeff that my goals for this year haven't changed. I want to turn pro and that's that. But, my body may not let me go as long as I originally wanted to. I'm starting to see the signs of me needing a real off season. Not 3 or 4 months. But a serious off season to let my body rest and heal and get back to a good metabolic state. I realized that every prep is harder and harder and my body fights me more and more. It's time for a rest. What will I do with my time?

Oh, tons! In some ways I can't wait to have my life back. To create a new life and experience new things. To live in ways that I haven't been able to in the last 4 years of competing. Exciting. But, I also am dead set against getting fat. Again. No more fat off seasons for me. I can't do that to my body again, or let my body to it to me, however it happens. If it means proceding very slowly out of the diet and staying on a plan for a while then so be it. But Fat Toya is gone.

Friday, April 23, 2010

No limits

As of today I'm 8 weeks out from my show. 8 more weeks of dieting, cardio, trying to make the 8pm bedtime so that I can get out of bed by 3:45am for cardio, feeling tired, feeling sore, doubting and then trying to believe, believing and then starting to doubt...you get the picture. Yes, you read correctly. Bedtime is at 8pm. That way I can get up at 3:45 and be out of the door right around 4am. I've been opting to drive to the gym down the road for morning cardio instead of hopping on my home elliptical. I'm doing at least an hour in the morning and I'm at that stage where I can't stand to be on any one machine for too long. I need to move around. It keeps me from getting too bored and it also keeps my muscles from getting too accustomed to working in the same exact manner day in and day out.

I'm still slowly losing weight. Very slowly. 132lb today. Well, I peaked in my off season at 152lb so that is an improvement. But still, it doesn't seem like enough. I'm a bit worried about what my next program update will be. How much more cardio and how much less food. I read an excellent post in another blog today. The blogger wrote "nobody puts limits on me, not even me." I'm trying to keep that in mind. I'm also trying to remember to not let myself get annoyed, distracted, irritated by anything that really doesn't affect me. Like the annoying temp girl sitting next to me. I shouldn't let her presence (and loud, frantic typing) really affect me. I'm a work in progress on that one.

Today is my last lifting day and I train back. Have a measely 20 minutes of cardio left and then I get to go home and rest. Well, at least go home. Need to do laundry and am still working on getting settled in the new apartment. It's starting to feel like my home, which is a nice feeling. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in for as long as the cat will allow, do cardio and then head to work around 4:30. My goal is to earn enough in tip money to completely pay for my chicago hotel room and I'm just over half-way there. Come on people, tip your bartender!


Thursday, April 8, 2010

How do you feel?

Cod and asparagus. That's what I'm eating right now. And I'm actually enjoying it. I've had cod and asparagus everyday at roughly the same time since January. And I'll continue to have it everyday until my show. Soon I'll have a protein shake and some almonds. 15 almonds to be exact. I say this because food is fuel and my fuel is so important to me right now. Nutrition is the name of the game. Training and cardio are the icing on the cake. But my nutrition is where it's at. And this is true for everyone wanting to look better, feel better, be better.

No, I'm not suggesting that everyone is required to eat cod and asparagus everyday. It's not a magic meal. It won't melt the pounds away. But it is a good, solid meal of foods that my body can use. Not McDonalds, not donuts, not chocolate cake. It wasn't deep fried or processed. My body won't go into sugar shock from it. My energy levels will remain stable and I won't crash. I made the choice to eat well. And in doing so, my body is happy. I'm working my way to my goals bit by bit.

So take a moment. Look at how you're feeding your body. The things going into your mouth. How well are you treating your body? And how well do you truly feel? After the sugar high of a donut, the grease from pizza, or the carbs from a full on pasta meal, how do you feel? Because right now, I'm feeling pretty darned good.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Fist pump

I tried a new spin on my chicken that I'm going to share with you.

My plan calls for 2 meals of lean, white meat and I choose chicken. Keeping it simple, remember? Well, last week I had a craving for fajitas. What's a dieting girl to do? I could just see the steaming hot skillet in front of me. Chicken fajitas with sour cream, pico, some tortillas, black or refried beans, and a heaping side of mexican rice. Well, that's definately not in the plan. Or is it?

I decided to use a crockpot for the first time. There's been a lot of talk on crockpot recipes over on Siouxcountry so I decided to give it a whirl. 4 frozen chicken breasts + 1 packet of chicken taco seasoning=yumminess! That's it. I did this and left for work. Came back about 5 hours later and it was done and fabulous.

My plan calls for 2 slices of Ezekial bread and guess what I found? Ezekial tortillas! Um, chicken fajitas anyone? Top with salsa verde enjoy.

There was plenty of seasoning in the packet so next time I will probably put 5 or 6 breasts in the pot.

What other things did I discover this weekend? The Jersey Shore. Oh hell yeah. Trash tv at it's finest. I'll repeat what I told my mom. "When you're feeling low, it's nice to escape with some bad reality tv." Totally made me feel a little better. Nothing heals heartache like time and reality shows!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Keep stepping


Some days I feel larger than life. I'm focused, committed, and driven. I've got my eye on the prize and am very much able to shake off anything that should try to interfere. Those are good days.

Some days I'm ok. I'm not supercharged and I'm not down. I'm there, and able to perform. I may have various things on my mind and have to keep pushing them away. I know the goal and have to remind myself to stay on the path. Remind myself to not get distracted. Those days are good too. I still get it done in the end.

Some days I'm all a mess. My only thought is to lie in bed with the covers over my head. I want to be warm and safe and away from the chaos of life, which seems to be knocking at the door. But since I can't crawl back in bed, I have to find a way to at least make it through. It's a struggle. My body wants to settle for going through the motions. My mind can't quite focus enough on any one thing. Emotionally I may be up AND down at the same time. These days are hard. Today is one of these days.

At some point during my workout I realized that I wanted to both laugh and hit someone. And that feeling carried with me til the end. I had a pretty decent workday and workout. I made it through and was even slightly productive. But it was a struggle. I made it and now I'm sitting at home and the daze is setting in. I want to just curl up and sleep it all away but I can't. I still have to prep for tomorrow and ignoring that is not an option.

I gotta keep going. Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

My heart is crying and I'm sad over everything that's happened. As I said earlier today, the bitch done did me wrong. It's got me angry and sad today. But, I can't curl up and not keep going. I have to keep going. Work through the pain and it'll be better. Sooner or later it will be better.

One day this will be a memory. Some day I'll be ok. I won't feel anything anymore about the situation. It will all be in the past and I'll be fully present in the moment.

I'm not sure when that day will get here. Until then I'm sure to have good days and bad days. But I'll make it through them. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

the fun cycle

Hey wow, I have followers!!! Hi All!

Progress update: Last Friday's weigh in I finally lost some weight! Yee Haw! I weigh in the morning and am hoping for similar results. Weight loss isn't always linear or steady or "fair." It is what it is. I've been working hard and sticking to my diet and cardio plan. Except today but I'll get to that in just a moment. Despite all that, the scale doesn't always reflect the amount of sweat left on the gym floor. We're talking I'm so sweaty that sometimes my clothes are clinging to my body and make that nasty smacking noise if you pull it from your body and then let it go. Nasty sweaty. But in a good sort of way. Despite all of that, sometimes the scale won't budge. And I'm not yet back in my skinny girl clothes. BUT, I'm getting there. Because I've finally stopped stressing about each and every step and just let myself take them.

Just take the steps, and the rest will follow in it's own time.

Today was a cardio only day for me. I'm supposed to do 60 minutes a day. Logged 25 this morning on the elliptical with the intent of getting outside this afternoon. I decided to run some bleachers and OMG I thought I was going to collapse. Only 25 minutes of bleacher sprints before my legs were shaking so much I was scared to attempt any more. So, today I'm 10 minutes short. My legs are still all tingly from the workout. I'm a little displeased with that but since it was a high intensity workout with lower carbs today AND my diet is on, I feel like it was ok. Not a rationalization I'd make closer to a show but I'm about 14 weeks out have some wiggle room. Some, but not a lot.

My body has started to realize that we're dieting and training and I hurt a lot. It's my immediate goal to get an extra half hour of sleep a night. I insist that I be in bed by 8:30pm. Yes, my social life suffers during my season but that's just the way it is. I'm up at 4:45am and need as much sleep as I can get. Sleep = rest and recovery for my body. That means I'm less grumpy during the day and can have better workouts. I also have less cravings. That all means better results and less stress. Less stress feeds back into better results and we're all happy. What a fun cycle.

So, with that in mind I've got to get my last meal in me because I've got an hour of awake time left. Workout bag and food is all ready for the morning and I've just got to sit here with my feet up and relax for a bit. Good times.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Get your fucking game face on

Whew! Sitting here with my feet up and feeling all sorts of sore and tingly. Can I just say how peaceful I feel? Yeah, I'm sore and spent and feeling quite peaceful. I had a "Come to Jesus" with myself. Life sometimes brings stress. And then what? Stress over the stress or just deal? Last week I decided that the stress wasn't getting me down anymore. Time to get my game face on. Time to handle my business. In the gym, at home, and at work. Get my fucking game face on!

What happened? Well, I hurt. All week long I hurt. I change my workouts every 3 weeks and last week was the start of a new set. I did legs on Tuesday and had to do a burp check. As in, stop for a second and make sure that the burpish feeling I had was really a burp and not vomit. We may need a mop here! Thankfully it was just a burp and I continued to grunt out the deadlifts. My legs hurt soooo badly until Thursday. Friday they were still sore but at least I could walk faster than an 80 year old lady. I was tired and pretty cranky. I played hermit on Saturday. It was gorgeous outside and I never changed from my pajamas. Sunday I hit the gym and voila! I could see it.

What was it I could see? Progress! My body peeking out from under my off season fluff! I weighed myself on Friday and had a good number. But I didn't truly see it until Sunday. Later that day I saw The Green Zone and what was the best line in the movie?

"Put your fucking game face on!"

I got all tingly at that moment. My cheat meal may have had something to do with the chills. Ohhh, carbs!!! But it was also that line. I needed to hear it again. That is my mantra this season. Game on bitches!

I repeated that today during my shoulder workout. Repeated it during cardio. I'm sore and spent and I feel good. I feel like I've turned a corner. I'm training. I'm an athlete and I'm doing what I do. I've put my game face on.

Oh hell yeah!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Getting through and moving on

It's been a while since posting. Things have been up, down, up, and back down again it seems. I'm officially packing and moving from my current home. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before. Seems as if my future life partner wasn't much of a partner at all. But I've found a new home for me and Miss Zillah and we'll be moving in at the beginning of April. It's a hugely upsetting situation but at least it's coming to a close soon.

Training has been going steadily. My body is moving, albeit very slowly. I'm starting to feel the changes take place which is nice. Lets me know that all my hard work isn't for nothing. I just wish things would happen a little faster. Or at least, at the same pace as everyone else that I know. It's hard to stay positive at times when everyone I know is losing a steady 1-2 pounds a week and I'm averaging half a pound a week. Arghhh! But, I'm just going to keep trucking along and hopefully things will start to really happen soon. Plus, the weather is getting nicer and I'm about ready to put on my smaller summer clothes again.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I'm really going to make a concerted effort to post more often. I admit that when things were really low, I didn't feel like sharing. It was bad enough that I was living through it. The last thing I wanted to do was rehash everything on-line. Now I'm ready to just get through and move on.

Monday, February 15, 2010


New week and time for a new set of workouts. Had a good shoulder workout today. Went a little heavier to keep my body guessing but not too heavy. Coach would like me to keep my shoulder workouts with moderate weights and high reps which is fine. I just kinda felt like going a little heavier today.

I did some basic moves. I remembered my original plan for this prep was KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. No need for fancy, extravagant movements in the gym. No need to get too complicated in the kitchen. I want to keep it simple in both venues. So far it has helped. For one, my grocery bill is a lot less this prep. I've been sticking with good ol' chicken for the most part. And I actually look forward to it every day. Cod is my white fish of choice. Asparagus for my veggie and baby spinach for my salads. Breakfast is oats and egg whites blended into pancakes except on the weekends, where I make a bowl of steel cut oats and an omelet.

The area where I get inventive is my shakes. I have 7 different tubs of Whey Protein Isolate on the kitchen floor. I have sugar-free syrups, flavored extracts, crystal lite, and seasonings to add flavor to them. And I blend them with ice to make them into a nice treat. That along with my almonds is a great treat.

My diet has been spot on and I'm proud of that. I get my once a week scheduled cheat and I treat myself to dinner and a movie at the Alamo. It's been great. I go by myself and I've truly enjoyed it. It's my date with myself every week and I'm going to continue it even when my cheats are taken away. I'll have to find another theater to go to but that won't be a problem.

I've done every second of cardio. It was increased 10 minutes this week so I'm doing an even split of 25 minutes of fasted cardio in the morning on the elliptical and 25 post-training on anything but the elliptical. Trying to really get a good session every time.

So if I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to, why isn't my body responding? I'm not sure. 6 weeks down and I've lost a total of a pound. Seriously? A freakin' pound?? Not good. Not good at all. I've got my mind set on competing in every national show that I can afford to do, starting with Jr. Nationals. My body, it seems, may have other plans. I wonder how much my recent stress may be affecting my weight loss. I know it can have some effect. (effect? affect?)

Well, no matter. I'm doing my best to breathe in, breathe out, and not get too mentally wrapped up in the stress. I need to get mentally in the game and hopefully my body will follow. Dammit! It has too.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Just breathe

I'm really trying. Trying to not be consumed by stress or anger. Trying to stay calm and focused. This was supposed to be my smooth sailing year. Just put the work in, stick to my diet, and compete. It hasn't exactly happened that way but does life ever happen the way we want? No, probably not.

I've stuck to my diet and done all my training and cardio but my body doesn't seem to want to respond. I'm really scared that it won't work. I'm scared that my body is sending me a huge "screw you!" and will continue to resist all change. We'll see. I weight and take progress pics tomorrow. I'm hugely afraid of what the scale will say. I know that the scale is not my friend and that I shouldn't measure my progress by the number it gives me. Instead I should focus on how my clothes feel. Except, they don't feel any different either. Sooooo, then what? Sigh. I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to ask Jeff and see what he says. I really hope we can make this happen. This is supposed to be my year, dammit!

But stressing isn't going to help so I need to not do so. Just breathe and focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Stick to the diet. Do my cardio. Train hard. Rest. Repeat.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

So much for Happily Ever After

Haven't posted in a while and A LOT has happened. I've recently found out some very sad news about my fiancee. Correction. Ex-fiancee. Ex-girlfriend. And at this point ex-friend.

Lies. It was all lies and I'm here left to discover it all on my own. Strangely enough, I would have never have discovered any of this had she not gone off to boot camp. I'll try to make a long story short, or at least shorter.

This is what has happened based on what I've discovered:

1. She lost her job, which I knew, and was without an income. She filed for unemployment and was supposed to be looking for work.

2. At some point, she stopped paying her mortgage. Remember that I'm living in the house also. I'm guessing that she made the decision to start juggling her bills and pay other things instead. I know in this economy people are making hard decisions and not paying a mortgage in effort to eat or have heat may be one of them. But, in a relationship, these decisions are not made alone.

3. Like I said she started juggling her bills. Pay one and not the other. So on and so forth. What she did not do is talk to me about the situation. She did not share this problem with me. She did not ask for help and opted to deal all on her own. I could have and would have helped. Pay the HOA, pay the electricity, provide her with gas money. Whatever. Pay more rent so that she could have more towards the mortgage. I would've done it. Stop competing to help? I would've done it. The house was more important.

4. At some point some bills started getting missed entirely. Again, I was left in the dark. Amazingly, we were not literally left in the dark as the electricity was never turned off. She paid the home taxes so I'm guessing she skipped a lot to make that happen. I also discovered a receipt from a ticket from driving without insurance I believe. The fines, fees, and late charges are drowing her but she didn't say a word. Instead she bought my birthday present and took me to see The Color Purple for Christmas. Bad move.

5. I'd like to insert here that I at one point asked if she was making it ok. She said yes. LIES!

6. Before she left I asked if there was anything outstanding that needed to be paid. She said no and that she had even paid the tree removal service. LIES! I received a bill for that today.

Since she's been gone I've been opening her mail and checking email accounts. Everything is past due, overdue, and swimming in fees. And she left me here with this mess. She left me here to find out that the home that I'm living in may be foreclosed because the loan is in serious default. There are bills that need to be paid that I have to pay. Bills that I thought were taken care of. Her dog is in my care and needs to be vaccinated so that I can then board her when I compete. Oh, and I'm supposed to be focused and training for my shows. Trying to go pro and instead I'm super stressed out.

This whole situation has made me sick. Literally sick. I'm not losing weight like I should be and I'm constantly battling feelings of anger, sadness, and heartache. I can't believe that she lied to me. Lied and had the audacity to propose. And now that has been stripped from me. I thought I was headed to a life with her. Instead I'm alone with her mess trying to find a way to keep focused on my goals and keep from freaking out. Thanks a lot.

So, there it is. I'm hugely saddened by this. Saddened, angered, embarrassed, you name it. I now have to go back to everyone that I announced my engagement to and inform them of the change of plans. Questions, looks, whispers, that's what I get. Oh, and the "I told you so" comments of the truly cruel. I'm angry. Pissed off. I can't believe she did this.

I'm really trying to not stress too much. I've brought home boxes to start my packing and will just have to get it done. I have no idea how much time I have in the house. A month? The entire 6 months? I have no clue. I've had no contact from her. No phone calls or letters. Thanks.

So much for happily ever after.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Monday, Monday...

WooHoo it's Monday! Monday my brand new elliptical was assembled and Monday I had a fabulous shoulder workout followed by sprints on the stationary bike. I've got all new workouts and I'll run them for the next 3 weeks. Idea is to spend some time working the muscle in a certain way and then switch it up. I want to get the full benefit of an exercise and then switch it up before my body gets too comfortable. So I expect this to be a fun week because everything is new.

As I mentioned above my elliptical is here. I'm staring at it right now. I plan on having my first session on it tomorrow morning. Bright and early! This will be nice because I can do cardio in the morning before breakfast and just concentrate on lifting in the afternoon. While my cardio can all be done in one session, that is. Once it gets to about an hour I'll start splitting it up. I ALWAYS do the majority of my cardio in the morning and save the lesser amount for the afternoon. Mentally that works for me. I always want to feel like I have less work to do in the afternoon.

Sunday was my planned cheat meal. Hummus with assorted veggies and pita followed by a yummy salad. I saw a movie, The Single Man at the Alamo with dinner. Very somber movie. Next week I hope I can find something a little more light hearted. I think I'm going to continue with the trend, a movie and dinner for my cheat meal. It's my complete treat for the week. Well, it would be MORE complete with a glass of cider. But alas, I'm off the sauce for the next 10 months OR until I turn pro, whichever should happen first. Let's hope that I turn pro first. That is what I'm working for after all.

Tomorrow is a leg day. As I've written it, I'm pretty sure the program will make me vomit a little. I plan on working HARD! Lots of deadlifts written in. Wide-stance dumbbell and narrow-stance barbell, both straight-legged along with conventional deadlifts. Really hit my glute-ham area. Contests are won from the rear and I've got to make sure mine is perfect. High and tight! While the rest of me is tiny and tight. That's the look I'm going for. Alright all, I've got work to do for tomorrow. Planning and preparation is how I'm going to make it happen this year and I've got to get to it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Fancy salads???

Happy Friday to All!

I made it through all my workouts and got all cardio sessions done. Only thing left is spin class tomorrow morning. Progress is slow but it's still progress. I'm not one of the lucky ones who has the weight magically fall off of them. I hear about these people. I know a few. Eh, I gotta work for it and working I am.

Today I did a back and plyometric workout followed by 30 minutes of cardio on the ellilptical. A very good workout. I alternate a back exercise followed by plyometrics and keep it moving for the entire workout. Lots of jumping rope, some burpees, pop squats, more jumping rope, and even more jumping rope. I was drenched by the end and it felt good. I'm working on making my back wider. One of my critiques last year was that a) my back should be wider and b) my waist is too thick. Accomplishing 'a' will magically fix 'b.' Well, not really but figure is largely about the illusion of perfection.

Got some extra chicken breast cooked last night and was able to seal it a few hours ago. I highly recommend a food saver. I have about a month's worth of chicken cooked, portioned, and sealed in the freezer. That's my emergency food in case I run out of time and can't cook. Having things pre-cooked and ready to go is an absolute necessity. At some point this weekend I need do the same with some veggies I have but that'll require blanching first. I've never tried this but I know it can be done and looked up the instructions earlier. Sounds fairly easy and a great way to preserve veggies before they go bad.

So now I'm about to go to bed. Last meal has been eaten. Not too exciting but whatever. Cod and spinach salad. Sunday I get my cheat meal and I'm unsure on whether I should cook or go out. I have a taste for spagetti squash with meat sauce and a fancy salad. By fancy I mean one with stuff in it. We'll see. Good night all. Train hard, stay focused, and breathe. That's what I tell myself.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Official first day waking up alone. I know, I know. It'll get better and it's only for a measly 6 months.

Ok, according to the State of Texas today is our 2nd holiday this week. So, Happy Confederate Hero's Day. Um, yeah. Just my luck my lab always has to have minimal staffing so I worked today. But only for a whopping 3 hours which is how long it took for us to get the necessary stuff done. Then I hit the gym. I have a strategy for great workouts. I like to focus on whatever bodypart I'm working the entire day leading up to my workout. So for the 3 hours I was at work, I kept thinking "legs, legs, legs." See the squat, feel the squat, breathe in and out and push. It's worked so far. I find it especially helpful for those really tough workouts. Like legs. And arms. (arms tomorrow)

So I hit the gym and got to it. Getting there early was nice as the place was pretty empty and I didn't have to fight for space or equipment. I started with lumberjack squats supersetted with stiff-legged deadlifts. Really focused on sitting into the squat to get my glutes and hamstrings working before I really hit them with the deadlifts. Then on to donkey kicks on the smith supersetted with frog crunches. Working my abs in allows me to rest my legs a bit and I'm a big fan of supersetting. Then sumo squats supersetted with calf raises on the smith. Again, want to really sit into the squat to get my butt in gear. I can also feel that one on my inner thighs which is nice. Then it was off to do more squats! Front squats with a dumbbell supersetted with crunches on the bench. And then I topped it off with shelcs with a little added weight for my posterior's sake. Good leg workout followed by 30 minutes of cardio.

I then came home to my yard to do a little weeding. I say a little weeding but it's a horrendous job. Jaime left the yard in disarray and now it's my job to get it up to par. We may be engaged but the yard has always been her area. I guess for the next 6 months I can work on it. It really sucked following the deadlifts and squats but I'm still alive so I'll count it as extra calories burned.

Mojo and I also went for a walk. I'm not sure what to say about that. I love this dog but she is such a spaz. This is day 1 of me re-training Mojo. We'll see how that goes.

My final act tonight is to get my food prepped for the week. I have chicken cooling that will be part of my pre-workout meals for the next 3 days. All my shakes are measured and ready to go. My breakfast and lunch is also all ready. Dinner is cooked and just waiting for assembly. Just need to cut up the chicken and I'll be done.

So that's it for today. I'm ready to shower and watch Jillian and Bob kick some butt on The Biggest Loser. Until next time.

Monday, January 18, 2010

So, I dropped J off today and I'm officially all alone. The next 6 months she'll be learning all about the army while I cardio and sweat myself to show shape. I'm expecting my elliptical to arrive sometime this week which will really help me in my efforts this year. In the past I've spent a lot of time in the gym. With J gone I really need to spend more time at home with Mojo and Zillah. And I now have yardwork, housework, etc to tend to.

I'm really motivated to do well this season. So much is riding on me doing well. I'm really pushing to turn pro. I think I've mentioned that before once or twice. But I really need to do well this year. I feel that pressure. J is gone and will worry about my prep. I want her to come home and see that I was ok. I don't want her to stress about not having been here to help me prep. I wish that I knew a few years ago what I knew now about letting her help me. Letting her into the process and opening up more. But, better late than never and I know that now.

I also really, really want to be Jeff's next client to turn pro. I feel that pressure. Do Dwelle Athletics proud. Make my friends in the sport proud and stand on stage with those that have turned pro ahead of me. I look forward to standing next to some people that I really respect and admire as a pro.

So, that's my plan. Train hard and do everyone proud. Get myself to where I want to be.

This journal is officially my contest prep journal. I'll try to be as brutally honest as possible about the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Hope you enjoy the journey.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Dear US Army Bootcamp headperson,

On Monday I'll be sending off my fiancee to join your ranks. There are a few things you'll need to know before she arrives.

1. She doesn't eat breakfast. She'll forget lunch. And she'll skimp on dinner. I've been working on this but it's like working with a child at times. I know that she won't have the luxury to eat when she wants anymore and needs to eat at the prescribed meal times. I know that if breakfast is at 6am then she needs to eat at 6am. And she had better eat it all or she'll be hungry until the next meal time. I figure that after the first day she'll get with the program or starve.

2. She's been sleeping in a lot lately. Well, since she lost her job. It may be a bit of a shock to her to wake up really early. Mind you I've been waking up early for the past year. We're talking 4am workouts. But, she hasn't had to do that and is a little out of practice. Agan, I figure she'll get with the program.

3. She has this issue with her hair. I dunno. Worried that she won't be allowed to care for it properly. I told her that she isn't the first black woman to go off to basic and certainly won't be the last.

4. She likes to sleep with a towel over her ear. I'm not sure if it's allowed or not but she'll figure that out.

5. She doesn't drink enough water. Our body's are 70% water, not 70% Crystal Lite. Again, she'll figure that out soon enough or dye of dehydration.

6. She's going to miss me a lot. I'm pretty sure that you'll have her so busy that she won't have much time to pine away for me. But, she will miss me. Give her some extra push ups to do and she'll be fine. The time for her will pass away quickly and she'll be back before she knows it.

I think that's it. You'll meet her soon enough. Take care of her. I'll be waiting for her at the airport in a few months.



Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Catching up and moving on

Happy New Year to all!

I've finally returned from my Christmas Vacay with the family. I spent a week with my newly reunited parents, my brother, and his 2 kids. As with family there were some highs and there were some lows. I'm recovering from a cold which I'm thinking was a farewell gift from my youngest niece, Akira. Thanks....

So I'm back in lovely Austin and it's 2010. Time to train! Yup, I'm back on diet and prepping for the season. I received my plan from my trainer, Jeff Dwelle, and I think he got a little wise to me this year. For example, instead of just saying have veggies or salad, he's specified 1 cup green veggies. Smart man. And for dinner a small salad, greens only. I have to laugh but only because it's well written for me and my rabbit taste buds. I can eat my weight in veggies and salad.

I get 1 cheat this week and it has to be clean. So, on Sunday I'm taking my sweetie to a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse to see Avatar. For dinner, I'll be eating the Once Upon a Time in Mexico salad. A salad with STUFF! But still clean.

And for those that may have caught it, yes, I have my sweetie back. What can I say? We reconciled (ahem...again) and are moving forward with our relationship. The time apart was good. It was good in that we got along great and thoroughly enjoyed each other. But I also saw that our relationship was not damaged beyond repair. In fact, we just needed to go to our respective corners and take a time out. Time out is over and last night I moved back into the master bedroom. AND...(wait for it).....

We're engaged to be married!

I know, I know. To be clear I never expected to be one of those on again, off again couples but hey, it happened. Just a couple of times really. And all in the last year or so. But we've been together for 4 years and friends for 3 or so prior. I feel like I crossed over some hump where I was expecting the worst and now I'm completely settled in and expecting the best. No need to hold back anything or have one foot near the door. Things are finally the way they were supposed to be.

So, along with dieting, training, and all that jazz, I now have to plan a wedding. Wow, huh?