So, I dropped J off today and I'm officially all alone. The next 6 months she'll be learning all about the army while I cardio and sweat myself to show shape. I'm expecting my elliptical to arrive sometime this week which will really help me in my efforts this year. In the past I've spent a lot of time in the gym. With J gone I really need to spend more time at home with Mojo and Zillah. And I now have yardwork, housework, etc to tend to.

I'm really motivated to do well this season. So much is riding on me doing well. I'm really pushing to turn pro. I think I've mentioned that before once or twice. But I really need to do well this year. I feel that pressure. J is gone and will worry about my prep. I want her to come home and see that I was ok. I don't want her to stress about not having been here to help me prep. I wish that I knew a few years ago what I knew now about letting her help me. Letting her into the process and opening up more. But, better late than never and I know that now.

I also really, really want to be Jeff's next client to turn pro. I feel that pressure. Do Dwelle Athletics proud. Make my friends in the sport proud and stand on stage with those that have turned pro ahead of me. I look forward to standing next to some people that I really respect and admire as a pro.

So, that's my plan. Train hard and do everyone proud. Get myself to where I want to be.

This journal is officially my contest prep journal. I'll try to be as brutally honest as possible about the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Hope you enjoy the journey.

Letter

Dear US Army Bootcamp headperson,

On Monday I'll be sending off my fiancee to join your ranks. There are a few things you'll need to know before she arrives.

1. She doesn't eat breakfast. She'll forget lunch. And she'll skimp on dinner. I've been working on this but it's like working with a child at times. I know that she won't have the luxury to eat when she wants anymore and needs to eat at the prescribed meal times. I know that if breakfast is at 6am then she needs to eat at 6am. And she had better eat it all or she'll be hungry until the next meal time. I figure that after the first day she'll get with the program or starve.

2. She's been sleeping in a lot lately. Well, since she lost her job. It may be a bit of a shock to her to wake up really early. Mind you I've been waking up early for the past year. We're talking 4am workouts. But, she hasn't had to do that and is a little out of practice. Agan, I figure she'll get with the program.

3. She has this issue with her hair. I dunno. Worried that she won't be allowed to care for it properly. I told her that she isn't the first black woman to go off to basic and certainly won't be the last.

4. She likes to sleep with a towel over her ear. I'm not sure if it's allowed or not but she'll figure that out.

5. She doesn't drink enough water. Our body's are 70% water, not 70% Crystal Lite. Again, she'll figure that out soon enough or dye of dehydration.

6. She's going to miss me a lot. I'm pretty sure that you'll have her so busy that she won't have much time to pine away for me. But, she will miss me. Give her some extra push ups to do and she'll be fine. The time for her will pass away quickly and she'll be back before she knows it.

I think that's it. You'll meet her soon enough. Take care of her. I'll be waiting for her at the airport in a few months.

Sincerely,

L.

Catching up and moving on

Happy New Year to all!

I've finally returned from my Christmas Vacay with the family. I spent a week with my newly reunited parents, my brother, and his 2 kids. As with family there were some highs and there were some lows. I'm recovering from a cold which I'm thinking was a farewell gift from my youngest niece, Akira. Thanks....

So I'm back in lovely Austin and it's 2010. Time to train! Yup, I'm back on diet and prepping for the season. I received my plan from my trainer, Jeff Dwelle, and I think he got a little wise to me this year. For example, instead of just saying have veggies or salad, he's specified 1 cup green veggies. Smart man. And for dinner a small salad, greens only. I have to laugh but only because it's well written for me and my rabbit taste buds. I can eat my weight in veggies and salad.

I get 1 cheat this week and it has to be clean. So, on Sunday I'm taking my sweetie to a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse to see Avatar. For dinner, I'll be eating the Once Upon a Time in Mexico salad. A salad with STUFF! But still clean.

And for those that may have caught it, yes, I have my sweetie back. What can I say? We reconciled (ahem...again) and are moving forward with our relationship. The time apart was good. It was good in that we got along great and thoroughly enjoyed each other. But I also saw that our relationship was not damaged beyond repair. In fact, we just needed to go to our respective corners and take a time out. Time out is over and last night I moved back into the master bedroom. AND...(wait for it).....

We're engaged to be married!

I know, I know. To be clear I never expected to be one of those on again, off again couples but hey, it happened. Just a couple of times really. And all in the last year or so. But we've been together for 4 years and friends for 3 or so prior. I feel like I crossed over some hump where I was expecting the worst and now I'm completely settled in and expecting the best. No need to hold back anything or have one foot near the door. Things are finally the way they were supposed to be.

So, along with dieting, training, and all that jazz, I now have to plan a wedding. Wow, huh?

Goals

Counting down to the end of 2009 and getting ready for 2010. Or, "twenty-ten" as I like to call it. 2009 has been interesting. Let's re-cap:

-I competed in my first national shows. One in Charleston and the other in Manhattan. Learning how to travel for shows was an experience I hope to never have to repeat. But, I got through it.
-My parents got remarried after 13 or so years of divorce. Wow, right?
-I officially moved in with someone, and then we broke up. Go figure.
-I paid off both of my credit cards! Yes, I'm still dancing about that one.

I have high hopes for next year (in no particular order):
-Pay off my car (only a few payments left)
-Attempt to balance my life with competing a little better
-Go Pro!
-Be more agreeable while dieting

I'm sure there are other things that will crop up but as of now, that's the list. I think a lot of things full under the balancing my life umbrella. But, with the next item being to turn pro, I really do need to Focus, Focus, Focus.

Next year I'll be going at it all alone. It has it's good points and it's bad. But, in the end it's all me next year. So I really have no excuse not to focus 100% on me. This has been described as a selfish sport and it really is. In order to truly go far, I need to give it my all. And so now I suppose I won't feel guilty for not having anything left to give anyone else. And when I feel lonely and isolated next year, I'll just have to remember that this is the path that I've chosen.

And then what? Go pro and then what? Well, then the goal becomes the Olympia. (Duh!) Point is, I can't compete forever. No one wants to see a saggy old lady in a Merry Christine suit. Ew! But there is a life post-competition and that is something I have to think about. At some point I might like to try my hand in a relationship again. Maybe. Or, not spend oodles of money on chicken and asparagus. The supplement companies can really stand to do with less of my money and more of someone elses. And maybe, just maybe, I can go on vacay that has nothing to do with rugby (the previous money black hole) or figure competitions. Buy a house and get a dog.

Yes, for all of you out there thinking it, I know that I can't live this way forever. But, for now, this is the choice that I've made. It's important to me. Let's see how far I can really go, shall we?

Twenty-Ten

Today I officially said the words. The same words I've said for the past 3 years around this same time. Ready? "I miss contest prep."

Yes, I know. Just a few weeks ago I was bitching about the hours and hours of cardio I was doing. How tired I was and how sick to death I was of eating the same thing, day in and day out. I was tired of going to bed at 8pm only to wake up at 4am for cardio. Tired of having to go to work at all as I viewed it as a huge inconvenience to my workout schedule. Tired of feeling run down all the time. Tired of coming home to feel guilty about neglecting everyone there. Absolutely sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again.

"What are you eating?"
-food
"You have to be really careful about what you eat, huh?"
-uh, yeah"
Can I have some?"
-hell no
"Oh, cause it's all weighed out and stuff?"
-yeah, and I only get 60z of white meat and that's it. go back to your donut
"You look tired, is everything ok?"
-i've been up since 4am and have already done 70 minutes of cardio. i'm not done...
"oh."

That's a pretty accurate example. Note to all that are reading, competitors don't share food. We need it, ALL of it. And while I wouldn't really tell someone to go eat a donut, I do point out that non-competitors have options. Those dieting have their alloted serving of lean protein, veggies, and if lucky, a carbohydrate or fat source.

But despite all that, I miss it. It's ok though. I've got Twenty-Ten repeating in my head. Next year's competition season is going to be awesome! It's like the scheduling god's smiled down on me and arranged things the way I'd like. Hell, they even sent a national show to Texas! It'll be a lean summer for me. Chicago, Las Vegas, New York, and Houston, with a final stop in Atlanta. I'm excited.

And so I keep telling myself, Twenty-Ten! That's 2010 for y'all at the back of the bus. So with the future in mind, I'll be patient right now. Train hard, watch my diet, and remember what it's like to step on stage. It's the off season in which gains are made.

Go hard or go home!

I'm not bitter though

Ahhh yes, moving. Time to expand on that little blurb. Well, I'm not the first competitor whose relationship didn't survive the season. It wasn't entirely due to my competing. There were a great many factors that caused ended it. To be completely honest, of the last 4 years, 3.5 have been kinda rocky. But, I've also been competing for 3.5 years. Competing can put a strain on a relationship and it did on mine. But, it wasn't all my fault. To be fair, my now ex has dealt with a lot. Financial issues, death, loss of job, more financial issues, depression, etc. Sometimes it's all just too much. And as I told a friend, sometimes people just grow apart.

I guess my ex has wanted out for a while now. I wish I'd known that before I paid to have the trees removed, bought a new dryer, and had the shelves installed. Oh well. So now it's time for me and the cat to move on.

off season

Busy, busy, busy! Life has had it's ups, it's downs, some twists, and some turns. I'm done with my 2009 competitive season and am now embracing the off season. Unlike in previous off seasons where my goal was to build muscle, I'm now aiming to streamline my physique a bit. Maybe bring down my waist and legs a bit all the while maintaing or adding a teensy bit of size to my arms and delts. Add some width to my back (hello pull ups!) but no more depth. That'll mean a slight change to my normal approach to lifting this winter. More plyos, bleachers, sprints, and hills. It actually should be more fun and I'm looking forward to it. I've been kinda doing what I want food and gym-wise since returning from New York but I think I'm ready to receive my official off season plan from Jeff.

Another goal this off season is to maintain my weight a bit better than in previous years. Since I'm not in need of a huge bulk then there's no need for me to gain a huge amount of weight really. My goal is to stay closer to contest weight than I have before. Now, I'm a pretty heavy girl. At 5'2" I think I probably weighed 120ish on stage this season. In the off season I can easily gain 30 or so pounds. It's amazing because I don't physically get huge, I just weigh a lot. I wouldn't be suprised if I'm up 20 pounds right now and I'm still fitting into my "skinny" clothes. It amazed both Jeff and myself how heavy I was while dieting. That's why I stopped relying on the scale. It did nothing but screw with my head.

So, to stay closer to stage weight I'm going to embark on something radical for me. I'm going to watch my cheats and really minimize my alcohol consumption. I don't drink at all during the season and have no problem abstaining. BUT, in my previous off seasons I've often found myself at happy hour. Bartending also provides easy access to alcohol. Not this year. I think it's really important to stay within close range and not drinking (so much) will definately help.

So, there. That's the plan. Streamline my physique and stay within show weight. Here's to the winter of 09!On another note .., I have to move. AGAIN! Ugh! So much for domesticity...