Unwilling vs unable

Today's my last day of Crossfit Bootcamp and I'm a little sad about that. It's been a ton of fun. So much fun that I decided to up the ante and join the crossfit community. My goal is to compete. When you're me, you have to find something to compete in. I joke that I would do crossword competitions but it's kinda true. I must find something to train for. Something that's harder than everyday activity. Something that most everday people would be unwilling to do.

Unwilling vs Unable

I'm astounded by how many people automatically say how they can't do something. Can't perform. Can't try. Just can't. And it's not that they can't. It's that they won't. Imagine the possibilities and just try. I remind myself occassionally that the only person that can hold me back is me. And then I tell myself that I shouldn't let anyone put limits on what I can do. Myself included.

I mention that because I've enjoyed a great many physical activities in my life. Cheerleading, dance, gymnastics, judo, running, rugby, figure, rock climbing, and crossfit. I meet a lot of people who ask how I do what I do, how I look like I do, and how they can better themselves. And then, I get their excuses. I can't do this, I can't do that. Whatever. Don't tell me what you can't do. Dont' whine and complain and then ask for advice to only set limits on yourself. It's silly and a waste of my time. And please, don't compare yourself to me or anyone else. We all started our fitness journeys at the beginning. For me, it was being able to run an entire 1/4 mile without stopping. Yup, me. The girl who's training for her 4th marathon couldn't run 1 measely quarter mile. But I kept at it and didn't give up. No excuses. Just persistance.

Sweat

Happy Tuesday! Tonight is Crossfit bootcamp and I'm ready to sweat. I need to sweat. One of the things I love about the bootcamp is that I am pushed in ways that I haven't been pushed before. I'm pushed out of my comfort zone. I'm pushed to work harder. And the competitor in me pushes to beat everyone else. It's great. My goal is to come away feeling as if I won. Even though there's not really a race or competition or anything. I still want to feel as if I won. Yeah, I must compete.

After the movie I'm seeing Eat, Pray, Love. I was supposed to see it with friends but it appears that the original plan has fallen through. I bought my ticket and then the movie sold out before everyone else could buy theirs. So it looks as if I'm going alone. Which wouldn't bother me except it is a sold out movie so I'll be crammed in with couples and groups. Akward....

Doh!

Back from the Europa! It was a really long weekend and I'm in need of another few days off just to recover. Unfortunately I do have to work so I'll just have to power through. I'm proud of myself for eating my meals while away. I've always said that there's no excuse to eat crap. It all comes down to a little planning and preparation. Ok, sometimes a lot of preparation. But it's worth it when there's food handy and it's time to eat. I loaded my big wheely cooler full of protein pancakes (meal 1); greek yogurt, apples, and nuts (meal 2); 4 oz chicken breast in individual baggies, oven roasted veggies, and quinoa (meal 3); cans of tuna and ezekial bread (meal 4); and extra "just in case" baggies of protein powder. That plus my 3 gallons of water went into my car for the trip. Meal 5 was a free dinner with my friends and was eaten out. I'll be honest and admit to eating chicken breast, sweet potato, and a salad on Thursday, Pizza topped with chicken and pesto on Friday, and Chicken Fajitas on Saturday. Oh, and regular pancakes Sunday morning for brunch. But yeah, those were all planned.

Today I lift and do cardio right after work and then get to go climb for rock climbing class. I'm looking forward to class. Looking forward to working my body after not having done any exercise for the last few days. I plan on an early morning cardio session tomorrow and then Crossfit Bootcamp tomorrow evening. And then I'm off to see Eat, Pray, Love at the movies! It's a full week for me but that's how I like it.

ps. I just discovered that I've been mis-weighing my yogurt. Wow, was I overeating! Doh!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard....

Wow! Long time, no write. I must apologize. It's been much too long. Not sure where I left off but it may have been my journey to Jr Nationals. Well, Chicago came and went and I was in the last callouts again. No bueno. You know, sometimes you stretch and bend every which way and it still doesn't seem like enough. That's kind of how I felt coming off that show. I was all prepared to go to another but I had a "Come to Jesus" chat with my then trainer. I won't go into all the details but it was decided that I would stop, get back to living, and more importantly get my life back on track.

So, fast forward to now. I'm not prepping for a show. I've been doing, well, other things. I've been doing things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I were prepping. Or, things that I wouldn't have done if I were prepping. Staying up much too late. Seeing musicals. Movies. Dinners with friends. The occasional glass of wine. Eating ice cream. Yup, getting back to living.

But I haven't completely nixed my workouts. I'm still at the gym and still doing cardio. Still weigh/measure food. Still trying to eat clean. Trying. Need to try harder. Scratch that. Just need to do it. Trying out Crossfit Bootcamp and rock climbing this month. I like them both. I climb Mon/Wed and have bootcamp Tue/Thur. I fit the gym in Mon/Wed/Sat/Sun. Yup, I'm busy as ever but loving it.

So, one thing that I knew I needed to work on post-competition was the repair of my ailing metabolism. I'm struggling with keeping my weight down, while also letting my body heal. I miss my tiny and tight old self. But I know I can't live at competition weight. Honestly, I don't want to be THAT tiny. But I honestly feel that 123 is a good liveable weight for me. I'm almost 10 lb over that and it is NOT acceptable. So I'm trying to lose, without really trying because I don't want to stress my body. It's been stressed enough.

Crossfit is really into the paleo diet. Hmmm. I tend to work well on a diet. But I've come to hate the term. "Die-t" is what it may as well be. Maybe. Right now I'm doing well keeping my alcohol to a minimum. Now to get my sweet tooth under control.

I've given myself a prize. At 123 I can finally order cable. If I can do it before my birthday (9-21) then I'll buy a laptop and add internet. That's the goal. I'm putting it out there. I was 132.5 last Friday and I'll weigh again this Friday. The number has slowly been creeping up and I must get a handle on it before it's too late and I'm back at a hefty 152. Oh hell no!

So I'm going to try it my way and if it doesn't work then maybe I'll try Paleo or the zone or some or "Die-t." It doesn't help that I just stated that I want a milkshake. Sigh.....

I can do this

1 more week to go! Dear, Sweet Baby Jesus I'm tired! I'm hungry. Cravings have kicked in. I have a pain in my ass cheek that won't go away. And I'm ready. Yup, I'm ready for the stage. Ready to get on it and bask in the spotlight, even if it's only for a few moments. When it's over I can sleep. After I eat. I'm trying not to think too much on the eating part but it's gonna be good.

As I sit here eating my cod and asparagus, the same lunch I've been eating since January, I'm truly thankful that I've made it this far. I'm thankful that I didn't give up like I sort of wanted to when life was beating me down. Feeling battered and bruised I wanted to throw in the towel and crawl into a nice bottle of vodka. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'd already lost so much and wasn't willing to lose this chance also. This opportunity to train and mold my body. To step onstage looking exactly the way I wanted to. The chance to go for pro.

And so I didn't give up. I dealt with the issues the best that I could. I had help from some fabulous people who I treasure dearly. I hung in there and put one foot in front of the other. I made it to this point, 1 week before my show, and for that I am grateful.

Today I have to finish my cardio and lift chest and shoulders. I have 2 cardio-only days this weekend. Next week is peak week and I'll do circuits and some more cardio. That's it. Thursday I get on the plan and will be in Chicago by 3pm. Show is Friday and Saturday. Saturday night I'll eat. Sunday I have a photoshoot and will then fly home. I can do this.

Eat, train, pose, sleep, and repeat

As of today I'm 4 weeks from my show. I have been dieting for 20 weeks so far. I'm freakin' tired. That aside, I'm really loving the changes that I've watched my body go through these last 20 weeks. It's awesome. Tweak here and there and I'm able to change how I look. By tweak I mean more cardio, changing the diet, more water, etc.

I'm making it a point to rest my body more and massage/stretch when I'm at home to help myself heal. I had pain shooting throughout my legs while standing at work yesterday. As of right now I have muscles twitching in my calves and my thighs are sore. I almost said quads, and then I thought hammies. Hell, my entire thigh hurts. I did do some massaging while in bed last night and it hurt like hell. But I think it really helped. I need to buy some more bioflexor and keep at it. I also need to use the foam roller that I have lying in the middle of the living room floor. It's not of much use just lying there.

So, my entry form/fee is completed and sent (check), flight reservation made (check), and hotel reservation made (check). All that's left to do is eat, train, pose, sleep, and repeat. AND pack. I already have my packing list made and now need to go through it to see what I have leftover from last year and what needs to be purchased. I've made my waxing appointment. Need to buy new hair and make a hair appointment. I think I may save the facial for between shows to rejuvinate my skin a bit. And maybe schedule a massage for between shows.

I'll be heading up to Plano next weekend to work on my posing with Jeff. Everything else is falling into place and I feel like that's the one area where I may get dinged while on stage. Can't let that happen. I've got to figure out a way to look a little more symetrical on stage. If I can do that, then I'll have presented the entire package just the way we imagined it. That is the goal.

Tough

6 weeks and 4 days to go until I step on stage for the first time this year. I'm excited, nervous, unsure, worried, stressed, etc. Last week I had an official anxiety attack and went full steam into stress mode. But hell, it was probably to be expected. I've been dieting since January and that in itself is stressful. I don't see how there are some people out there that jump from one diet to the next. It's hard living in a state where you can't do various things, have to do various things, want to do anything other than what you're supposed to be doing ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out. But, I choose to live this way because I choose to compete. I'm having to remind myself (and others) of that a lot. Hard work now will pay off later. Hopefully with a bright shiny trophy and a pro card but we'll see. When the going gets tough, I just have to get a little tougher. And tough I shall be.

My mom says she's coming to my show and that has me re-motivated to look my absolute best. Things may change with finances, which I totally understand. But for now, she's coming and I'm excited to have her there. She's never seen me compete and has only heard my hobby. I hope that this will help her to understand why I live the way I do while training and why I work so hard at it. A bonus will be if my dad can come to but again, that will be determined by finances.

I told Jeff that my goals for this year haven't changed. I want to turn pro and that's that. But, my body may not let me go as long as I originally wanted to. I'm starting to see the signs of me needing a real off season. Not 3 or 4 months. But a serious off season to let my body rest and heal and get back to a good metabolic state. I realized that every prep is harder and harder and my body fights me more and more. It's time for a rest. What will I do with my time?

Oh, tons! In some ways I can't wait to have my life back. To create a new life and experience new things. To live in ways that I haven't been able to in the last 4 years of competing. Exciting. But, I also am dead set against getting fat. Again. No more fat off seasons for me. I can't do that to my body again, or let my body to it to me, however it happens. If it means proceding very slowly out of the diet and staying on a plan for a while then so be it. But Fat Toya is gone.