Tough

6 weeks and 4 days to go until I step on stage for the first time this year. I'm excited, nervous, unsure, worried, stressed, etc. Last week I had an official anxiety attack and went full steam into stress mode. But hell, it was probably to be expected. I've been dieting since January and that in itself is stressful. I don't see how there are some people out there that jump from one diet to the next. It's hard living in a state where you can't do various things, have to do various things, want to do anything other than what you're supposed to be doing ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out. But, I choose to live this way because I choose to compete. I'm having to remind myself (and others) of that a lot. Hard work now will pay off later. Hopefully with a bright shiny trophy and a pro card but we'll see. When the going gets tough, I just have to get a little tougher. And tough I shall be.

My mom says she's coming to my show and that has me re-motivated to look my absolute best. Things may change with finances, which I totally understand. But for now, she's coming and I'm excited to have her there. She's never seen me compete and has only heard my hobby. I hope that this will help her to understand why I live the way I do while training and why I work so hard at it. A bonus will be if my dad can come to but again, that will be determined by finances.

I told Jeff that my goals for this year haven't changed. I want to turn pro and that's that. But, my body may not let me go as long as I originally wanted to. I'm starting to see the signs of me needing a real off season. Not 3 or 4 months. But a serious off season to let my body rest and heal and get back to a good metabolic state. I realized that every prep is harder and harder and my body fights me more and more. It's time for a rest. What will I do with my time?

Oh, tons! In some ways I can't wait to have my life back. To create a new life and experience new things. To live in ways that I haven't been able to in the last 4 years of competing. Exciting. But, I also am dead set against getting fat. Again. No more fat off seasons for me. I can't do that to my body again, or let my body to it to me, however it happens. If it means proceding very slowly out of the diet and staying on a plan for a while then so be it. But Fat Toya is gone.