Monday, February 15, 2010


New week and time for a new set of workouts. Had a good shoulder workout today. Went a little heavier to keep my body guessing but not too heavy. Coach would like me to keep my shoulder workouts with moderate weights and high reps which is fine. I just kinda felt like going a little heavier today.

I did some basic moves. I remembered my original plan for this prep was KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. No need for fancy, extravagant movements in the gym. No need to get too complicated in the kitchen. I want to keep it simple in both venues. So far it has helped. For one, my grocery bill is a lot less this prep. I've been sticking with good ol' chicken for the most part. And I actually look forward to it every day. Cod is my white fish of choice. Asparagus for my veggie and baby spinach for my salads. Breakfast is oats and egg whites blended into pancakes except on the weekends, where I make a bowl of steel cut oats and an omelet.

The area where I get inventive is my shakes. I have 7 different tubs of Whey Protein Isolate on the kitchen floor. I have sugar-free syrups, flavored extracts, crystal lite, and seasonings to add flavor to them. And I blend them with ice to make them into a nice treat. That along with my almonds is a great treat.

My diet has been spot on and I'm proud of that. I get my once a week scheduled cheat and I treat myself to dinner and a movie at the Alamo. It's been great. I go by myself and I've truly enjoyed it. It's my date with myself every week and I'm going to continue it even when my cheats are taken away. I'll have to find another theater to go to but that won't be a problem.

I've done every second of cardio. It was increased 10 minutes this week so I'm doing an even split of 25 minutes of fasted cardio in the morning on the elliptical and 25 post-training on anything but the elliptical. Trying to really get a good session every time.

So if I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to, why isn't my body responding? I'm not sure. 6 weeks down and I've lost a total of a pound. Seriously? A freakin' pound?? Not good. Not good at all. I've got my mind set on competing in every national show that I can afford to do, starting with Jr. Nationals. My body, it seems, may have other plans. I wonder how much my recent stress may be affecting my weight loss. I know it can have some effect. (effect? affect?)

Well, no matter. I'm doing my best to breathe in, breathe out, and not get too mentally wrapped up in the stress. I need to get mentally in the game and hopefully my body will follow. Dammit! It has too.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Just breathe

I'm really trying. Trying to not be consumed by stress or anger. Trying to stay calm and focused. This was supposed to be my smooth sailing year. Just put the work in, stick to my diet, and compete. It hasn't exactly happened that way but does life ever happen the way we want? No, probably not.

I've stuck to my diet and done all my training and cardio but my body doesn't seem to want to respond. I'm really scared that it won't work. I'm scared that my body is sending me a huge "screw you!" and will continue to resist all change. We'll see. I weight and take progress pics tomorrow. I'm hugely afraid of what the scale will say. I know that the scale is not my friend and that I shouldn't measure my progress by the number it gives me. Instead I should focus on how my clothes feel. Except, they don't feel any different either. Sooooo, then what? Sigh. I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to ask Jeff and see what he says. I really hope we can make this happen. This is supposed to be my year, dammit!

But stressing isn't going to help so I need to not do so. Just breathe and focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Stick to the diet. Do my cardio. Train hard. Rest. Repeat.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

So much for Happily Ever After

Haven't posted in a while and A LOT has happened. I've recently found out some very sad news about my fiancee. Correction. Ex-fiancee. Ex-girlfriend. And at this point ex-friend.

Lies. It was all lies and I'm here left to discover it all on my own. Strangely enough, I would have never have discovered any of this had she not gone off to boot camp. I'll try to make a long story short, or at least shorter.

This is what has happened based on what I've discovered:

1. She lost her job, which I knew, and was without an income. She filed for unemployment and was supposed to be looking for work.

2. At some point, she stopped paying her mortgage. Remember that I'm living in the house also. I'm guessing that she made the decision to start juggling her bills and pay other things instead. I know in this economy people are making hard decisions and not paying a mortgage in effort to eat or have heat may be one of them. But, in a relationship, these decisions are not made alone.

3. Like I said she started juggling her bills. Pay one and not the other. So on and so forth. What she did not do is talk to me about the situation. She did not share this problem with me. She did not ask for help and opted to deal all on her own. I could have and would have helped. Pay the HOA, pay the electricity, provide her with gas money. Whatever. Pay more rent so that she could have more towards the mortgage. I would've done it. Stop competing to help? I would've done it. The house was more important.

4. At some point some bills started getting missed entirely. Again, I was left in the dark. Amazingly, we were not literally left in the dark as the electricity was never turned off. She paid the home taxes so I'm guessing she skipped a lot to make that happen. I also discovered a receipt from a ticket from driving without insurance I believe. The fines, fees, and late charges are drowing her but she didn't say a word. Instead she bought my birthday present and took me to see The Color Purple for Christmas. Bad move.

5. I'd like to insert here that I at one point asked if she was making it ok. She said yes. LIES!

6. Before she left I asked if there was anything outstanding that needed to be paid. She said no and that she had even paid the tree removal service. LIES! I received a bill for that today.

Since she's been gone I've been opening her mail and checking email accounts. Everything is past due, overdue, and swimming in fees. And she left me here with this mess. She left me here to find out that the home that I'm living in may be foreclosed because the loan is in serious default. There are bills that need to be paid that I have to pay. Bills that I thought were taken care of. Her dog is in my care and needs to be vaccinated so that I can then board her when I compete. Oh, and I'm supposed to be focused and training for my shows. Trying to go pro and instead I'm super stressed out.

This whole situation has made me sick. Literally sick. I'm not losing weight like I should be and I'm constantly battling feelings of anger, sadness, and heartache. I can't believe that she lied to me. Lied and had the audacity to propose. And now that has been stripped from me. I thought I was headed to a life with her. Instead I'm alone with her mess trying to find a way to keep focused on my goals and keep from freaking out. Thanks a lot.

So, there it is. I'm hugely saddened by this. Saddened, angered, embarrassed, you name it. I now have to go back to everyone that I announced my engagement to and inform them of the change of plans. Questions, looks, whispers, that's what I get. Oh, and the "I told you so" comments of the truly cruel. I'm angry. Pissed off. I can't believe she did this.

I'm really trying to not stress too much. I've brought home boxes to start my packing and will just have to get it done. I have no idea how much time I have in the house. A month? The entire 6 months? I have no clue. I've had no contact from her. No phone calls or letters. Thanks.

So much for happily ever after.